Baby showers are a time for celebration and joy. Right? You are celebrating a loved one bringing a little bundle of joy into the world. I had one I attended this weekend for a very close friend of mine, and I am beyond happy for her. But deep down inside of me, I feel this pang of hurt and envy.

When I was nineteen, I ended up pregnant and then miscarried right before I finished my first trimester. It was absolutely devastating. Anytime I conceived after that, I also miscarried. No matter what it just seemed to not be in the cards for me. I always wanted a child, a family of my own, more than any of my siblings ever did. Now I am the only one of my siblings that doesn’t have a child. I finally met a doctor that wanted to help me achieve my dream and giving me hope that it was still a possibility. Then of course I end up in a relationship where they don’t think children is anything they want in their life anymore. I’ve been in this relationship going on eight years, so it’s not something I just want to leave, but I do desperately still want a family of my own.

I am still determined to get my little family in any way possible. Adoption, surrogate, whatever. This is still a touchy subject for me that really gets me in a dark spot if I think about it for too long. So, I do my best to focus on the children I do have in my life, nieces and nephews. I focus on the good I have in my life, and I pay attention to the little things people are doing raising their children now, and picking and choosing things that I would implement myself or things I would change. It keeps the hope alive while keeping me out of the dark place.

Just remember if you are going through the same thing or something similar, it is not over for you. There is always options or someone out there willing to help you figure out what options you have. Don’t give up.