I have dealt with a lot of loss in my life. Numerous pets, friends, family, etc. Most recently was my grandma four months ago. She was suffering from a rare cancer as a result from the Camp Lejeune water poisoning. We’ve known about it for about four years now and just took it day by day. She surpassed the date her doctor gave her twice so we were optimistic. Then out of nowhere she drastically declined and it caught us all by surprise. One minute she was here and the next she wasn’t.

I lost my other grandma, my nana, earlier in my life, that’s actually going on eleven years now. That absolutely broke my heart, I was devastated when we lost her. But, when I lost my grandma this go around it hit me so much harder. This grandma raised me since I was a baby. She was basically another mom. We had a lot of ups and downs when I was growing up, but now as an adult I was able to ignore the hurtful things that caused us issues in the past because I realized a lot of it I don’t think she understood that it was bad. We became best friends. I talked to her every single day without fail. I’d go visit her often, even if we just sat in the living room and I showed her silly videos.

The first time I realized I couldn’t call her and tell her about something I saw that she would love hit me like a semi truck. I spent pretty much all day everyday by her side until she passed. I took it hard, but I stayed strong in front of my family especially my grandpa. I’ve always been the strong one and I felt I needed to be there for my grandpa. After she passed I took care of all of the paperwork, the legalities, the cremation, and even cleaning out all of her things. It’s really taken it’s toll on me.

I have all of her clothes in my spare room right now, and I don’t want to do anything with them yet because they have made that room smell like her and I don’t want it to go away. Sometimes I will just sit in there with her clothes and cry. Grief never fully goes away, but it does get better with time. With my nana I still have my moments where I start to cry, but I know she is watching over us and it doesn’t hurt as much. I am so lucky to have some close friends I can break down to in regards to my grandma. Without them I don’t think I would be as ok as I am. If you are going through a loss and grief please reach out to someone you trust to be there for you. Don’t go through it alone. If you feel you do not have anyone reach out to me, I will happily be there for you through this process.